Thursday, September 11, 2014

Let's Not Talk Earthquakes - Let's Talk Fatherly Advice (and fantasy football)

I have found a fool-proof way of getting your three sons to not talk to you at all.  It is more brilliant than just cutting off the money (because that tactic just makes them come at you more) – it is joining their Fantasy Football League and winning.  I have to admit this is not the way I drew it up – but the outcome has been great.

I decided this year to join my three sons (Chris, Stephen, Matt) and my two sons-in-law (Brendan and Chris) and two close Wondo Family Friends (Dom an Zak) – in fantasy football.  As I have said before the week between our draft and Week One of the season was a time for every guy in the league to ridicule me as the worst Fantasy Football Player ever.

But then – when Week One was over … I had 131 points – beating Stephen’s team (my opponent) by 53 points – scoring more points than anyone else in the league by a huge margin. 
The result?

None of my sons, sons-in-law, close friends of Wondo Family, or even the love of my life – my Basset Hound Mildred Penelope, will talk to me or respond to my emails or texts.  (OK – Millie P doesn’t know how to text). 

AND … I have discovered the thing that nearly every dad of teenage kids ever wanted to discover --- how do you get your sons to stop talking to you.  (When you have teenage sons they have only two ways of talking to you --- (1) they need money --- and (2) they want to tell you what an idiot you are).  I don’t really enjoy hearing what an idiot I am and I really, really don’t enjoy shoveling out money to my kids.  So --- having my offspring ignore me is a wonderful thing. 

In summary – I have some sage fatherly advice for young fathers out there who have boys who are driving them crazy.  All you need to do is get a Fantasy Football League with them and then get incredibly lucky one week – not just win but win by 53 points – and nobody will bother you for a week.  Imagine that – one week of watching Sports Center (or PBS News Hour) without a son next to you telling you how old and stupid you are … all you need to do is (1) join fantasy football with them and (2) get lucky in week one.  It is a recipe for peace and solitude.  

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