Sunday, December 21, 2014

Urging North Korea to Use their Cyber-capabilities for Good-Not Evil

     With professional soccer in the United States on a break – we can turn to pressing world events:

     The United States says that North Korea hacked Sony Pictures in order to prevent “The Interview” from being released and viewed.  North Korea says that they are not responsible.  While at some levels this resembles most family discussions when trying to pin blame on just which child might have had a hand in relocating the goldfish from the aquarium to the bathtub – I choose to look at this wonderful power that North Korea has developed and wonder what would happen if it was used for good and not evil. I urge North Korea to look beyond the usual International Hot Buttons like Hollywood Comedies.
     I, therefore, with tongue firmly in cheek – offer these five targets to the North Korean Cyber-Attack-Apparatus.  If the North Koreans take my advice – they will actually be furthering the cause for world harmony by hacking and then causing these targets to pull their performances from the public.

     OPRAH:  - I don’t get Oprah and I confess that I never will.  However I suspect that at some point in the future she may be planning to turn all of her O-Zombie followers into a disastrous cult determined to give free cars away to every female on planet earth.  I live in Danville where the downtown becomes as dangerous as a war zone after school pick up when all of the moms in town drive their huge Escalades and talk on the phone at the same time while picking off pedestrian after pedestrian without noticing.  I don’t wish that on all of us and I would like North Korea to hack Oprah’s production company in order to shield us from a world of danger.

     JUSTIN BIEBER: - Enough said.

     THE OAKLAND RAIDERS: - Please hack the Oakland Raiders and threaten them until the front office pulls the team from production and we don’t have to sit through any more dismal games.  I know this is stretching it – but if they could also get Reggie McKenzie to become the General Manager for the Broncos, Chargers, and Chiefs … all at the same time … that would be great as well.

     THE WATER PEOPLE: - These are all the professionals whose job it is to be interviewed on the news immediately after a rainstorm to tell us that the drought is not over and the snow is too dry.  I’m not saying the drought is over – but I am saying that I have not seen the sun for 73 days and I have never enjoyed hearing that the snow is too dry when it somehow is always able to soak through to my socks.

     THE GROCERY BAG POLICE: - Now we have to take our own bags to the grocery store or risk being summarily executed while standing in the Express Line.  I don’t call that an advanced society – I get that plastic bags at grocery stores are posing an existential risk to our very being – but they sure are convenient.  Going to Safeway is tough enough with the fact that by the time you get back to your car you’ve signed 27 voter’s petitions and given money away to at least 3 charities (while avoiding eye contact with 11 other solicitors)… now we have to do all of that while saving the planet with our own reusable bags.  Grocery shopping has become difficult.