End of Month Special - Random Thoughts on MLS Salaries, Fantasy Football, and Babysitting

     We are heading into October … and your Award Winning Blog has had a far too insignificant September.  Here are some observations and thoughts to take us all into October better informed.

MLS SALARIES –

     The updated Salaries of all Major League Soccer Players were released this week.  For the first several years of my son’s career it was an opportunity for me to realize I needed to take the poor boy out to a good dinner.  For the past few years of his career it makes me realize that I should stop picking up the check at those dinners.

     You know your Award Winning Blog always digs deep into the details to find news.  To that end we analyzed the pay by Last Name (and specifically which letter was at the beginning of your last name).  Spending my entire life at the end of the alphabet … I pay more attention there.  I uncovered a shocking discovery in pay equity in Major League Soccer.  While there are only 8 players whose last names begin with “Z” … their total pay is $1.44 million.  Compare that to the poor players whose last name begins with “V” – there are 9 of them! But in total those 9 only add up to less than $1.4 million.  I will proclaim right now that this is a compensation scandal that Major League Soccer needs to address immediately before the press owns the story  … the Commissioner needs to get out in front of the story. 

FANTASY FOOTBALL –

     I can tell you that one thing MLS Salaries clearly do not take into account is your ability in Fantasy Football.  My eldest son, Christopher, is a dismal 1-3 with his team.  He lost to me (his stupid father) this past weekend and I am told that he found the spider hole that Saddam Hussein was hiding in and has taken up residence there due to his shame.  My team, The Fighting Basset Hounds, have staked a claim to first place in the league.  My other two sons have made me a prouder Fantasy Football dad so far … my sons-in-law … well I’m sure they are trying (on second thought I hope to God they are not trying because that would be embarrassing). 

BABYSITTING AS A GRANDFATHER – A Pequena Chefona for 8 Hours Straight

     A Pequena Chefona (Little Bossy Pants) is now 9 months old.  She is regularly cared for by her uncles (Stephen and Matthew) – and she is a lot of fun.  A few days ago the desperation set in at the Chris Wondolowski household and they had to turn from Plan A to Plan B then to Plan C until they finally got to Plan Q – and I got the call from the bullpen for an 8 hour stint as the babysitter.  While Lindsey was somewhat surprisingly calm and confident in her staffing choice … the three boys who I had raised, changed their diapers, fed them, and somehow they survived Planet Earth under my care to arrive at the present points in their lives …. Those three boys were very concerned and would have called Child Protection but that would have made them stop watching the third re-run of Sports Center to make that call.  To be fair – Chris had no problem with me babysitting … but clearly not because of his confidence in me rather mostly because he was happy to have someone plug in for 8 hours that he did not have to pay. 

     Stephen and Matthew on the other hand … could not even comprehend how I could possibly watch a baby (the same baby that they have watched for similar stretches of time).  Fortunately for me … Stephen and Matthew gave me untold amounts of advice and tips on how to babysit.  It is only a bit ironic that neither of them have children and both of them are among the three children that I semi-successfully helped evolve into young men.  

     A long story a little shorter … A Pequena Chefona and I had a great time.  I found that she loves music so much that she even likes my awful singing voice.  She is of course standing every chance she gets which means that she is nanoseconds away from falling continually --- but there was not going to be a bruise or stitches on my watch so I was intensely protective.  She also fell asleep in my arms late in the afternoon from me reading the Wall Street Journal out loud to her (going to be a Republican I guess). 

     I was able to take her to Gymboree … which was the highlight of our day.  We walked down to Gymboree (I walked she rode) and she had a great time.  Perhaps on purpose … I cannot say for sure … 1 minute into the session --- there I was the old guy with the 9 month old sitting around and definitely NOT singing --- and Chefona decides to drop a deuce.  The singing of the others drowned out the grunting and we both decided to just play through it … but my sensory memories of that Gymboree session will forever be more of smell than any other sense.

     In short – we had a great time … and I taught her the words to Camptown Races because she had been getting a couple of them wrong.

     I think I made the approved Babysitter list at Casa de Juando … much to the surprise of my offspring. 

Earthquakes - and Somebody is Undefeated in NFL Fantasy Football (and being a grandpa is pretty cool)

     I have never been a big fan of the San Jose Earthquakes home ‘stadium’ (Santa Clara University – Buck Shaw Stadium) and I have never been very shy about that fact.  It is a great place to ‘watch’ a soccer game – but a less than great place to go to a professional sporting event.  Over the past few years the construction that Santa Clara University has done has taken away the little ambience that the place has and rendered it a tough place to enjoy a professional sporting event.  Again – except for the game itself where there may be no better place to watch a game and no seat in the house is bad.

     Yesterday – I think my opinion changed somewhat dramatically.  I think my opinion on a lot of things has changed dramatically since I became a grandfather.  We are fortunate enough to have been able to purchase seats right down on the field (which honestly you cannot really do at other professional venues).  And for the last two games – my daughter-in-law has allowed me to take my Pequena Chefona (Little bossy pants) – Emersyn Wondolowski – into the stadium for pre-game warm-ups by myself.  It was surely against all protests by other family members but Emersyn and I have spent 45 minutes before each game within feet of her daddy warming up.  So --- long story a bit shorter --- I have never been a big fan of Buck Shaw Stadium for a professional sporting event --- but I will always treasure the moments it gave me with my granddaughter.

     By the way – we have good season tickets at the new stadium as well.  Mrs. Wondo and Mr. Wondo pony up their own money for their seats (Buck Shaw Stadium and the new John Wondolowski Stadium) – we go to untold number of sporting events and there is no better value. 

     For those who wonder about my Fantasy Football League – I have good news and bad news.  My youngest son, Matt, got a win this week.  My two older sons, Chris and Stephen, looked again like they were nuns trying to play with the big dogs and got drilled.   Me?  Oh – I am undefeated – but that’s not important … I just want everyone to have fun.  In case you missed it – my winning was the good news and Chris and Stephen being completely humiliated (again) is the bad news. 

     Finally – for the Earthquakes soccer fans – nobody on planet earth could have been happier to see Lennie on the field yesterday.  His presence is incredible … Mrs. Wondo understands as much soccer as Emersyn does Quantum Physics (right now) – but Mrs. Wondo LOVES when Lenny hits the field.

     I have said it before and I will say it again – 3 wins in a row changes everything … it can still happen as long as we get the 3 points in Montreal. 

Let's Not Talk Earthquakes - Let's Talk Fatherly Advice (and fantasy football)

I have found a fool-proof way of getting your three sons to not talk to you at all.  It is more brilliant than just cutting off the money (because that tactic just makes them come at you more) – it is joining their Fantasy Football League and winning.  I have to admit this is not the way I drew it up – but the outcome has been great.

I decided this year to join my three sons (Chris, Stephen, Matt) and my two sons-in-law (Brendan and Chris) and two close Wondo Family Friends (Dom an Zak) – in fantasy football.  As I have said before the week between our draft and Week One of the season was a time for every guy in the league to ridicule me as the worst Fantasy Football Player ever.

But then – when Week One was over … I had 131 points – beating Stephen’s team (my opponent) by 53 points – scoring more points than anyone else in the league by a huge margin. 

The result?

None of my sons, sons-in-law, close friends of Wondo Family, or even the love of my life – my Basset Hound Mildred Penelope, will talk to me or respond to my emails or texts.  (OK – Millie P doesn’t know how to text). 

AND … I have discovered the thing that nearly every dad of teenage kids ever wanted to discover --- how do you get your sons to stop talking to you.  (When you have teenage sons they have only two ways of talking to you --- (1) they need money --- and (2) they want to tell you what an idiot you are).  I don’t really enjoy hearing what an idiot I am and I really, really don’t enjoy shoveling out money to my kids.  So --- having my offspring ignore me is a wonderful thing. 

In summary – I have some sage fatherly advice for young fathers out there who have boys who are driving them crazy.  All you need to do is get a Fantasy Football League with them and then get incredibly lucky one week – not just win but win by 53 points – and nobody will bother you for a week.  Imagine that – one week of watching Sports Center (or PBS News Hour) without a son next to you telling you how old and stupid you are … all you need to do is (1) join fantasy football with them and (2) get lucky in week one.  It is a recipe for peace and solitude.  

Frustrating Soccer Officials --- and NFL Fantasy Football Outlook

Earthquakes-RSL and then NFL Fantasy Draft

This past weekend’s San Jose Earthquakes – Real Salt Lake game was a bit maddening … but most MLS games are to one degree or another.  It was not the first game where a penalty kick was awarded where no foul occurred … but it was the most recent really important game for the Quakes and that result --- particularly due to that call --- was upsetting.  Fortunately – I don’t think MLS can fine me for complaining about a really bad call … that is one of the best things about writing an Award-Winning – yet obscure – blog.

NFL Fantasy Draft

Our 8 team league is in full swing (your blog editor’s first foray into the world of fantasies that pertain to parts of Sports Illustrated that are not directly related to the Winter Swimsuit Edition).  We have the full Wondo Boys contingent (Chris, Stephen, Matt, and me) – along with my two sons-in-law and two very close family friends.  The Wondo Boys Division is made up of “Fighting Basset Hounds”, “East Bay Brown-Rice”, “Run DMC Feat. MJD”, and “Foles Finds Holes”. 

The draft was great – 6 owners were there in person … 1 used the excuse that he was in Europe and 1 used the excuse that he is a Fire-Fighter and was out saving lives.  Being Commissioner, I levied fines on both of them. 

But I know everyone wants to know about my team – here is a sneak peek:

-          It is Fantasy Football so Character Does Not Matter:

·          I drafted a couple of guys who were stupid enough to both get busted for weed possession at the same time … and another guy who (after I drafted him) got a 4 game suspension for amphetamine usage.

My points on that:

1)       I didn’t draft lawyers … my poor Steelers Running Backs were basically duped by the man.  My guys (Cheech and Chong) “Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blout” did not realize they could get busted for DUI when they did not actually drink anything (just smoked marijuana and had bags of it in the car when busted).  Fortunately – I do not need locker room unity – I need yards and touchdowns from my backs and the NFL Players Association Bargaining Agreement will keep them on my team and active until the Pittsburgh judicial system winds its expeditious course. 

2)       Wes Welker from Denver was a nervy late round pick up by me … only to find out today that he has been suspended for Amphetamine Use.  I do not condone Amphetamine Use and I am particularly against Amphetamine Use when it results in a suspension of one of my players (I have a code after all). 

-          Wondo Boys Summary -- 

·          My sons had trouble keeping up with my bold and innovative draft strategy. 

Ø   Stephen has a similar calling to help and counsel players in trouble so he drafted Ray Rice.  Somehow though he ended up with Dez Bryant and Brandon Marshall … but he has Matty Ice and I think that is a reach.

Ø  Matt is solid with Peyton Manning and Julio Jones but he also has a sentimental side where he may have drafted past prime like Larry Fitzgerald, Tom Brady, and MJD.

Ø  Chris got the receiver in Demaryius Thomas and the back in Matt Forte – he is putting his trust in Chip Kelly’s offense and Nick Foles however … some see that as a risk. His darkhorse?  Sammy Watkins of Buffalo – his TE is probable (Cameron) with no other cover currently.

Ø  Sons in Law – Brendan somehow got Drew Brees when we were not looking – Chris (Big Country) picked up Adrian Peterson through Auto Draft.

Ø  Friends – Zack has Seattle Def/ST (let’s hope for him that they don’t get penalized every single defensive snap) – Dominic has RG3 and Jimmy Graham.

All in all – a good holiday weekend.  Matt is holding the money paid in on the dues so I expect to be getting my winnings in January. 

It is Football Season ... and What that means in Wondo's World.

     I know that I am supposed to be a soccer fan … and I am … but football season is starting (yes that football not that other football that we pretend is football while we know it is really soccer) – with college games this weekend and the National Football League (let’s call it the NFL) starting the following week. 

     I love football season … for full disclosure I love long walks on the beach, a good romantic novel, hot cocoa in front of the fire with my Basset Hound, and little kittens.  But football season people !!!  The start of football season is better than the first robin in spring, better than the first hot day at the beach in June, better than going to a high school reunion and seeing the girl you had a crush on is married to an unemployed guy who could stand to lose 300 pounds … I mean it is really good.

     I always loved football (again the real football not the football that is really soccer that ‘cool soccer fans’ have to call football) … when we started to combine grilling with football – we really invented something that is even better than drinking beer and fishing on a warm fall day. 

     My point is simply that even though we are saying goodbye to summer – we are saying hello to football season.  That is like having Halle Berry move away from next door but at the same time Beyonce moves in instead – it is all good. 

     This year I am going to try my first structured and formal Fantasy Football League.  We have my three boys, my two sons-in-law, and two close Wondo Friends all in the league.  I’ve never done a structured “real” one before so I am pretty clueless which will explain why I am the League Commissioner.  Our draft is on Labor Day and at dinner tonight my youngest son talked to me like I was in kindergarten because of my stupid questions.

     All in all – this may be more than I had bargained for … but I am going to see it through.  It seems a little too intense and there is studying and research and other things that none of my sons did when I was actually paying for their schools.  I may be longing for grilling and watching football without seeing how many yards Matt Ryan has thrown for so far in the game … but I’ll keep you posted on how a soccer (other football) guy fits in with a football (real football) Fantasy League.

     And … if the Raiders suck again – and my starting quarterback is actually Matt Flynn because I wasn’t paying attention … I can always put a few beers in the cooler and go out to the lake where at least the fish will not bother me. 

What I Learned this Summer (that you can use too)

With Labor Day coming up this weekend – and many people calling it the ‘unofficial end of summer’ – your Award Winning Blog will join the me-too group and reflect on this past summer.  Now, the editor of Your Award Winning Blog will only recognize the end of summer when the Autumnal Equinox brings the season to a close at 7:39pm on September 22^nd.  But I always do like to jump on a bandwagon --- so --- here are the three things that I know now but did not know when the summer of 2014 began. 

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·          If the San Jose Earthquakes give up 4 or 5 goals per game … their chances of winning that game go down dramatically (you don’t get your C Coaching License by not paying attention people).

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·          Having a grandchild has given my wife something to shop for.  She loves to shop and so prior to having Emersyn - when she ran out of things to shop for – I ended up with a lot of socks.  Now she spends 15 hours per day at Buy Buy Baby … and I have run out of socks.

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·          The Oakland Raiders are just never, ever, ever going to have a competitive NFL team ever again – never.  Except the year after they move to Los Angeles or San Antonio.  My new coping device is Fantasy Football. 

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     No season is without trials and tribulations – things you just have to fight through.  Until this summer I was never going to use a gas grill … I had my Traditional Weber and my Big Green Egg and my life was brilliant.  I was not a zealot for my way of grilling and smoking ... I did not evangelize… I just let gas grill guys be lazy and wrong without criticizing.  UNTIL – the summer of 2014 – I found myself during one family getaway at a vacation cabin with a gas grill and a traditional Weber.  I opted for the gas grill that ONE TIME – and it became my gateway drug.  I am now hopelessly conflicted – when under the influence of the gas grill (Weber – 4 burner – Searing Station … Stainless finish … easy ignite … a temptress powered by propane) I think that this is what grilling should be like – but two days without the gas grill and I am back to being my old self.  I guess the good news is that I don’t need to go to Grilling Rehab Camp – because my wife is simply not an enabler – no way she will let me get a gas grill in addition to my traditional Weber and Big Green Egg … of course if I said it was for the baby – I might be able to squeeze it through the bank account filter.  I’ll keep you posted. 

Sports Predictions ...

One of the constants in the childhood of my three boys was sports --- I could probably rationalize the reasons into building strong young men but the reality of it was that I really like sports and I am pretty lazy so I watched sports and went to sporting events and played sports so the boys watched sports with me, went to sporting events with me, and played sports – with me and then with each other and friends. 

My wife and I are kind of like the Flintstones on our court – we are the ones who have three newspapers delivered on our driveway every morning.  (caveat – I do read them on my iPad when I am on the road so that is kind of like a cross between Flintstones and Jetsons). The first thing I do in the morning is to grab the sports page from the Contra Costa Times and the sports page from the San Francisco Chronicle and read them cover to cover (I read the Wall Street Journal at night and their one-page sports page gets devoured each evening). 

With that as background into my pitiful little life … I offer this set of observations.  Tonight I read an article on-line that had the odds for which college team would win this year’s NCAA Football Championship – and they had odds for 53 teams with the 53^rd team coming in at about 1000-1 or so (Spoiler alert – Cal was not in the list of 53 teams).  I am amazed that people can feel confident predicting how teams of 19, 20, 21 year old (and sometimes 26 year old) men will perform over the course of a four to five month season … and it made me consider the fact that there are much easier sports predictions that can be made year in and year out. 

For Instance:

-          Right before the NFL pre-season starts, then again after the first pre-season game, and then again after the third pre-season game, and then again after the regular season week two, week six, and week nine … there will be a headline in the Contra Costa Times that reads:

*”RAIDERS COACHING STAFF TO PLACE MORE IMPORTANCE AND FOCUS ON REDUCING PENALTIES”

-           At some point during the Major League Baseball Season the Giants will be in a losing streak (of some length) and during that streak the following headline will appear in the San Francisco Chronicle:

*”GIANTS PLAYERS HOLD CLOSED-DOOR PLAYERS ONLY MEETING”

                - Note – I have always wondered the value of closing the doors and some veteran telling his teammates that they need to get the critical two-out hit … but I’m not a professional baseball player so I guess this is a good thing.

-          At some point during the summer, the home of the best team in baseball will become the subject of a headline:

*”Oakland Coliseum (aka McAfee, O.co, Oracle, Grocery Outlet) – toilets back up and flood locker rooms … all 3300 fans made it out safely … Oakland City Officials confirm their commitment to keeping the A’s in the Coliseum.”

Note- That last part of the headline gives me the visual of the Oakland City Officials with a picture of Lew Wolff holding today’s newspaper while standing in the prehistoric A’s Clubhouse (for those who don’t get my humor --- think hostage tape).

Other sports stories mystify me as far as their importance.  For example neither Tiger Woods nor I have won a Major in the past six years – and last weekend the sports networks were flashing alerts that Tiger Woods was going to take a practice round – coincidentally that same day I went to the golf range to hit a bucket of balls --- not one network ran the story about me … they all picked up the Tiger Woods (non-story) instead.

Finally – although this was a story from a couple of years ago … the press became obsessed with Notre Dame Football Player (now San Diego Charger) Manti Te’o when he happened to invent a fake girlfriend.  I don’t know Mr. Te’o but I can guarantee you that if he is an NFL Linebacker – I have had far more imaginary girlfriends than him … and yet … not one article published with the scoop that I have had imaginary girlfriends.  You can call it a West Coast Bias or a vast conspiracy against Polish-Americans – I cannot explain the popular press I can just offer observations.